Monday, October 5, 2015

Mommy Contract Part 2

Since writing part 1 of the Mommy Contract my sweet child has reminded me of so many other components that should be added. A few more that came to mind. . .

You are never alone
Whether you are in the bathroom or the kitchen, your child will find you. Why they don't send children in to look for hiding terrorists is beyond me.

Your child will embarrass you
Children have a keen sense of what will send their parents hiding in a corner and love to perform those acts. It may be farting extremely loud in front of the new neighbors or it could be throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the aisle at Target. It will happen so batten down the hatches and prepare yourself.

Your child will behave the worst for you
You'll hear stories of how wonderful and kind your spawn is and wonder if it's the same child who threw themselves on the floor and prevented you from making them the breakfast they requested. It is. Children behave the worse for their parents. Fact.

Your brain will never be the same
I don't care if you have a PhD in rocket science AND brain surgery, your brain will never be the same after having children. Everything you thought you knew becomes mush.

You will memorize the most random things
And while you won't be able to remember why you came into the room and what you were looking for you will have a great selection of children's songs and books memorized and ready to be recited when your child starts to melt down in the back of the car.

You will never look the same again
This goes for more than just your body, folks. Things settle differently after kids and I don't care if you weigh less than you did before kids, it's just different. I'm also talking about the clothes you put on that body. Your child will find the one spot you don't cover up with a burp cloth and ruin your favorite outfit. They will also grab that cute tunic you just bought and smear strawberry juice all over it. Or wipe their mouth on the shoulder of that fantastic new sweater that just came in the mail. Once you have children you suddenly understand why moms only wear bum clothes.

You could watch them for hours
Go ahead and set a timer and then marvel at how long you spend watching them do absolutely nothing. Taking beaded necklaces on and off was never as exciting as it is when your toddler does it for 30 minutes straight.

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