Blessings

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

This song plays pretty regularly on our local Christian station. For a long time I sang along, but didn't listen. Then, a time came when I changed the station as soon as I heard the opening chords because it hurt too much. Now, I'm not just hearing it, I'm listening to the words too. 

I would like to say that my prayer focus is not always on myself and my wants, but that would be lying. I definitely take the time to pray for others, but I selfishly always end up back at myself. I pray for blessings and God's hand in my life more than I pray for anyone or anything else. What's taken me a long time to realize is that He has been blessing me, just not always how I envision it.

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

After we lost Emerson we were devastated. Neither of us could fathom what had happened, let alone that God may have been protecting us from something. He may not have wanted us to live the life of parents to a very sick little girl, as may have been the case based on what we now know. Please do not get me wrong, we loved (and still love) her with all that we were and if she were born with a disability of any type it would not have caused our love for her to waver in any way, but perhaps God knew what he was doing when he cut our time with her short.

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Without a doubt our lives are different than what they would have been had everything gone "according to plan". I won't state the obvious, but we certainly have a different marriage than we did. Yes, we'd had our ups and downs but nothing had ever tested us in such a way. Because we leaned on each other so profoundly we grew closer. Our appreciation has changed. Where we once were excited for children and the adventure it would bring we now know the greater purpose God has for parents and appreciate the miracles children are. We also have more compassion. Because we had never experienced such a tragedy we struggled to relate to those who had. Now we feel we are better able to minister to those around us because of our experiences.

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

God works in such global ways it's impossible to understand the why and how of it all. The only thing we can understand is that through faith and belief in Him it will all come full circle. That circle may not be complete in this world, but He will complete it some day.