A Roller Coaster

We've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster recently.

I can honestly say I felt like I was doing better. I could admire baby clothes in stores. I could talk about losing Emerson without crying. I could reminisce about being pregnant. I could even talk to my pregnant friends about their babies.  

Then things got hard again.

As we approach her due date I find all of these things harder to do. The hope I felt has once again been replaced with despair and sadness. Honestly, I am eons past where I was at the beginning of January, but I'm still not where I need to be. Which raises another question, where do I need to be?

Whenever people hear about everything that happened they are quick to say, 

I can't imagine what you are going through

I appreciate their unabashed honesty because, truthfully, many don't understand what we are going through. The moments of happiness and hope for the future, coupled with the moments of sadness, jealousy, and despair. 

I've talked with some women who have gone through a similar loss, and they all say the same thing. It will eventually get better, but it will never go away. 

I understand that. 

I know everything we've been through will never go away, and part of me is grateful. I'm grateful that our marriage has come out stronger, and I'm grateful for how close we have become. I'm also grateful to have experienced a small piece of motherhood, though it was fleeting. I am thankful for those things occurring. I struggle with reliving the moment we found out. The emotions we felt on that ride home and the following night. I struggle for breath when I remember delivering her and hearing the words, "she's perfect".

It's definitely been a roller coaster.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

-Proverbs 3:5