Monday, January 14, 2013

What If?

I know I shouldn’t do this to myself, but I can’t help it. I’ve been asking what if a lot.

What if it was something I did?
What if it was something I ate, or didn’t eat?
What if I walked too much or too far?
What if it was the medication I’m on?
What if I could have prevented it and didn’t?
What if this is all my fault?

I know I shouldn’t think these things, but the uncertainty of it all has me questioning every minute of these last 6 months. Subconsciously I know that this happened for a reason and there was nothing I could have done, but I can’t help asking these questions.

Whenever I do start, I force myself to stop. I nip it in the bud and do not allow myself to travel down that path. Allowing myself to do that will only lead to trouble. I know that entertaining these questions squashes His presence and His healing of my heart.

 My tactic has become to pray for peace and healing in my heart when these questions arise. To not allow them to take over, because there is no benefit in letting them take control. To keep pushing forward and allowing the Lord to guide me through this darkness to the light that shines at the end of the tunnel.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 
John 10: 27-29


  1. It was absolutely nothing you did! But I completely understand how your mind goes to blaming yourself. I hope you are finding some comfort and peace!

  2. Ohhh, do not blame yourself at all!! It was def not your fault! Try to take comfort in the Lord! You are such a sweet girl!

  3. I know that it's hard to keep your mind from going there, but you're so right to fight that with prayer...praying for peace for you and your husband!

  4. I know it has to be hard, but try not to blame yourself. God will take care of you! Praying for y'all!

  5. Of course you shouldn't blame yourself, but I would probably be doing that same thing. Did your doctor give you the names of any counselors for you to talk with? I know that really helped a friend of mine in a similar situation to yours. Praying for you!

  6. :( I'd be doing the same thing. I'm just so sorry you are going through this. Try as hard as you can not to blame yourself. Listen to your subconcious and know that everything happens for a reason. Just remember, God wouldn't have put this in front of you if he knew you couldn't handle it.