He Will Not Forsake

This past Thursday we went back to the OB for a follow-up appointment. We scheduled this appointment, so we could ensure we would receive the autopsy results together and in a more controlled environment than if the doctor called us randomly.

As you can imagine I felt a lot of anxiety leading up to this appointment. In my head I've known from the beginning we may never know what caused us to lose Emerson, but my heart still ached to know. I put a lot of weight on this appointment giving us some answers.

I left school that afternoon and set out for the doctor's office. Every minute I drove closer I felt more anxious. My nerves were a total mess. I prayed to God for the strength to walk into this appoint, and for peace with whatever we learned. As I pulled into the parking lot, Meredith Andrews's song "Not For A Moment" came on the radio. I knew in that instant that God was answering my prayers. He had not forsaken me and would be right there with us the entire time. What an amazing way to comfort me in such a broken moment. I headed inside where David met me moments later.

Our wonderful doctor did not keep us waiting for long. After the routine check up procedures, he got down to business. The autopsy results were not in. My heart sunk. We'd been waiting six weeks at this point, but it felt like forever. Thanks to the reminder from God prior to walking in, I was okay with it. The doctor filled us in that they were running some tests on the placenta to see if that offered any other results, and he patiently answered all the questions we had. He assured us that he would call us if/when they heard something, but he did not see the need to set up a follow-up appointment in the office again.

We went home and went about our business the best we could. David kept reminding me not become downtrodden about the lack of results, because we may never really know. We went on a walk with the dog and tried to regain some normalcy. We arrived home to a missed call from the doctor. Apparently he had found some results after we left. After a little bit of phone tag we finally caught up with each other. I guess that the results came in after we had left the office, but they were there now.

The doctor told us that the placenta tests had revealed some new information. Of the cells tested, 14% expressed an extra copy of chromosome 7 and 86% were normal. What does that mean? Emerson had partial trisomy 7. From what I've found, it is a chromosomal condition similar to that of down syndrome (trisomy 21). What makes the situation unique is that it was only partially expressed. The doctor believes that is why she lived for so long. In many chromosomal conditions the baby does not make it past the first trimester, but because it was not expressed in 100% of her cells, she lived longer. 

The doctor told us this is very rare and not likely to happen again. That did offer me some peace, but at the same time raised many questions. For instance, they told us that since we were so young, the chance was 1 in 24,000 and not to worry. If we weren't supposed to worry the first time around, we're not supposed to worry next time? Uh, not likely to happen. We did chromosomal tests with the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) specialist and they revealed nothing. How did they miss this? How are we supposed to calmly attempt this again?

We must walk by faith.

So many things went through my mind in the days after hearing these things, but I've come to peace with it. I know that God has not forsaken us, and as He patiently reminded me before our appointment, He will not. We are waiting to set up an appointment with MFM to hear their thoughts on everything. The doctor thinks it would be a good idea to talk with them because of their specialty in situations like ours. Until then we will continue to pray for His guidance as we walk the path toward full healing.

 Fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

-Isaiah 41:10